Look I’m just imagining teenage!Hux poring over the illustrations in old Imperial xenoanatomy texts with wide eyes, like what even is that thing and how could that possibly fit anywhere and obsessing over those thoughts until they finally circle properly around to …would it feel good and he has the most inappropriate sexual awakening ever for a proper son of the Empire.
(This is a lie: hundreds of thousands of proper sons of the Empire have had exactly the same experience. They were also properly filled with Imperial institutional xenophobic shame. Hux, meanwhile, just gets fucked by a Togruta on his first unsupervised shore leave.)
Also, please imagine that ex-imp/FO at some point get a reputation for this and it becomes the bedrock of galactic humour, the same way people like to make off-colour jokes about Welsh people being sheep-shaggers, or everyone in the rural american south marrying their cousin.
So like, every time FO officers are trying to raid a cantina they get a bunch of yinchorri cackling and saying OOH BACKS AGAINST THE WALL, LADS, IT’S THE FIRST ORDER and OOH STRIP SEARCH ME OFFICER I’M PACKING A FEARSME WEAPON. And the officers are all ‘No, stop this at once. This is important military matter!’
for some reason I thought of Kate Beaton’s Les Mis comic with Jean Valjean like “ooh Javert, you FOUND me” and cackled aloud
Tag: first order
Anybody remember the White House petition to build a real Death Star? It reached its goal so the White House had to issue a response (it was NO).
- The costs for building a Death Star were estimated at 850 quadrillion dollars. For one single weapon.
- Now, the Starkiller was – what – ten times as big as the Death Star? With the power to suck up an entire sun. I think it’s safe to say that the costs of developping, constructing and maintaining that thing were abhorrently high. (Think GDP of all the industrialized economies combined and higher)
- Yet, once again, they manage to leave a vulnerable spot that allows it to be destroyed completely within maybe an hour.
- First of all, the First Order is leading a total war. Where do they get that money from??
- Second of all, imagine what they could have accomplished if they had poured all those resources into marketing instead.
- Buy all the big companies of the Galaxy, the ones that have branches on every single inhabited planet (the Fortune 500 of the Galaxy)
- Infiltrate these planets by bringing trustworthy First Order men into the highest positions at these companies
- Infiltrate their political systems with lobbyists, representing First Order interests to the governments
- Meanwhile send the Resistance on wild goose chases around the Galaxy by having completely unimportant parts of the fleet fly here and there, broadcasting “We’re gONna kILLl Luke SKYwaLKer!” to attract attention
- While the Resistance is somewhere at the Outer Rim tracking down what they believe is an intricate scheme to find and kill Luke, Kylo Ren and General Hux walk right into the middle of the Senate.
- “Yeah, we’re the new representatives of, like, ninety percent of your democratically ruled planetary systems.“
- “What do you mean mass-murdering fascist regime? We got ourselves elected by bribing the competition and puring millions into the election campaign. Just like everyone else.“
- “Are you seriously trying to oust us? You do realize we hold the shares to all your favourite porn websites, don’t you.”
like, give me a First Order that’s equal parts children of Imperial families torn from the Core and children of hardscrabble Far-Rim colonists, half of them nursed on stories of glory now lost forever and half of them on promises of a better life that will never come, and all of them having decided that they’re sick of stories and will change the galaxy with their own hands
give me the children of farmers and miners and factory workers who can’t see much of a difference between the various regimes that have ruled at the shining center of the galaxy while they labor out on the dark fringes, who are either exploited by corporations with their lobbyist fingers still deep in the government or now unemployed thanks to the loss of the Imperial war machine and its endless demand for ships and materiel, and what good is the Rebel’s so-called freedom to them?
give me Imp-Ex children who see the suffering and struggle on the Rim and beyond and burn with frustration that for all the tales of glittering splendor this was the reality even then, that their parents are only interested in reclaiming what was the status quo when they could stand up and do better, bring real order and prosperity
and yes, give me the dark side of that discontent, too: give me Imperial xenophobia taking root even in places humans and aliens have worked side-by-side for generations, give me ends-justify-the-means thinking, give me all the wrong lessons learned from the Empire and applied with brutal efficiency, give me all the things that cause otherwise decent, ordinary people to go along with terrible choices
dispatches from the dumpster 