fraxinus:

God I have so much to write and I need to work on my kbb fic but all I can think about are those situations where Kylo goes to the light and leaves the Order and Hux’s reaction to it. Because I so often see the sad, devastated Hux who won’t follow but doesn’t stop loving Kylo and either tries to get him back or eventually goes with him, but nah. Nah son.

I want a Hux who had never let anyone close to him before and the one time he does, the one time he lets himself have something despite his upbringing and culture and everything telling him no, it turns out to be the ruin of him and he’s fucking furious. I want a Hux who is so angry at himself for being weak and even entertaining the notion of love that he spends months on end with barely any sleep or food restructuring everything about the Finalizer aside from it’s bare bones, so Kylo can’t use any of the knowledge he left with to stage an attack. I want a Hux who’s not sure who he wants to burn alive more, Kylo for leaving him or himself for letting him stay in the first place, but all that’s left of his soul is white hot rage that threatens to eat him from the inside out. I want a Hux who defies the gods and the fates and can not, will not let this his unfortunate infatuation with a Skywalker be the ruin of him. He refuses to be Padme, or Han.

But of course he will be, because that’s how it is with the Skywalkers. It’s not a curse so much as their family has been so intertwined with the fate of the universe that anyone they loved would be bound to eventually fall. War is hard enough to survive when you put everything into it, but when you’re in love with the eye of the storm you’ll certainly be swept away to the winds. Hux hates Kylo, but Kylo could never hate him, and that’s why nothing Hux could do would ever really save himself. So when the Finalizer is burning around him, the rest of the bridge evacuated, he isn’t surprised when Kylo walks through the door to finish the job.

And of course Kylo still tries to save him, he never stopped loving Hux or longing for him even after he defected, even after they met again in battle and Hux swore he would kill him personally, even after Kylo reached into his mind to find their memories but instead found them locked away and surrounded by the deep-seeded fear and pain that fueled his new rage. So he yells for Hux to move, that he’ll die here, but Hux is in front of the viewport watching everything he tried to save burn to ashes and Kylo feels more like death coming for him than a savior, and Hux had never planned to go with death in peace. He fights with everything he has but Hux is no jedi, and injured with only a blaster he doesn’t last long. He dies in Kylo’s arms (Kylo is crying for him, of course he is) with his mind swimming in memories he tried years to forget, of soft nights and hushed whispers and his beautiful knight in on black satin sheets outlined by the light of the universe outside, and for once Hux stops fighting because only on his deathbed would he allow himself to finally accept that he died to have those memories, he may as well enjoy them one last time.

Kylo never loves anyone again after that, every time he tried he could never shake from his mind two images of Hux, one of him bleeding out in his arms, the other of him curled around Kylo in bed, whispering ‘you’ll be the death of me, I know it’ before he drifts off to sleep.